Just OK?

So I know I’m all about the independent, girl-power, strong, single, woman thing. I do enjoy my pants-free apartment, and not doing my dishes until I feel like it, and coming and going whenever I please…

But I haven’t completely ruled out dating and meeting guys. I do enjoy being in a couple as much as I love being alone.

Don’t get me wrong, he has to be the right kind of person for me because I am not an easy person to love. But I deserve love like everyone else, and I have love to give to someone as well, so I’m still leaving my options open.

Sadly, I don’t get into a lot of situations where I can meet men that are the kind of person I’d like to date (I play music late night at bars, have the same group of friends since 8th grade, work in an all-women office etc.) so I have resorted to “seeing what’s out there” AKA online dating.

There are some real crazies out there! But you knew that. I knew that. But I sure didn’t know how mean people could be.


I have been collecting screenshots of my more memorable messages with men from the dating sites I have frequented over the past few years. Some of them are funny, some of them are presumptuous, some of them are blatantly sexual, some of them are just mean. I’ve learned to just brush it off. I don’t respond to most. I do respond to repeat offenders and I do block people who are very offensive and harassing… But I think some of these are insanely entertaining even though very vulgar and rude. This is not a revenge piece by any means, but more of a candid look into the dating files of a 29 year old woman. Please enjoy.

let’s start with the weirdly humorous:

“Quirky Milfy Joy”  yup.

He made his choice I guess.
  For you!? $1,000,000,000,000 since you asked so nicely!

 

 

I’ve got to give this one credit, it was funny. I think my answer was “Russia.”

 

A boy who likes boobs, you don’t say!?

I appreciate his enthusiasm… Really, I do.

 

 

Um…. No?


The obsession with my breasts is a never ending slew of unsolicited comments and scrutiny… It’s really annoying… Sometimes I can’t help but point it out. But, COME ON!?

Can’t even spell fuck out? Where is the effort!? I’m worth the uck

Almost! But then no.
———–

Here are some guys who can’t stand to be rejected or worse, ignored… Watch them go from charming to douchebag in less than 5 seconds:img_7997

I ignored this last jab… But two days later he decided to harass me. Aw naw… I don’t play that game.

    img_8020-1

Super sweet guy. Too bad I had to block him and report him. He made a new profile and messaged me two months later obviously just sending mass generic messages to any younger women he found remotely attractive… I reminded him of our encounter, he called me a cunt and I reported him again. Sadly, he’s not the only one who has done this.

Like this next dude, for example, he has messaged me three times now. Also a mass-mailer. The last time I said I was not interested and he went off saying I was fat and ugly and that the Brad/Todd liberal college guys will never want me and blah blah blah…Every time he gets younger and every time I ignore him because his profile is so douchy. He rants about hating that girls want to be friends first, and how that’s just lazy. He also rants about how he doesn’t want to hear why girls don’t want to date him, he states “if you’re not interested, no reply is necessary.” Third time is a charm.
Ok… That was a little bit mean, but he asked.

and this

POFusername, 60

Actually I HATE 50 shades btw

Also,

Jacked up millionaire asshole? Nah, I like my men a little chubby, smart and sweet with mediocre financial situations…Ok, to be fair, I have deleted POF… But dude didn’t even give me an hour to respond. I was out with friends and actually was going to reply… What is an almost thirty-year-old to do!?

 

and this

He thinks that ladies are supposed to drop what they are doing to respond to his messages. I’m disrupting the flow of the universe!

 

and this



I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

—————–

Then there are the fetish types. Don’t get me wrong, we all like what we like and I think that nothing is really weird or shameful if done between two (or 5) consenting adults in the privacy of their own homes… Whatever, do what makes you feel good! I don’t judge. But a first message on a non-fetish dating website isn’t really the place to talk about it. But they do… Oh, they do.

   

Happy Monday morning to me!

 



I did not know getting kicked in the nuts was such a fetish… But I have received many messages like this. And no, I won’t kick you in the nuts.

  Whyyyyyyyyy?
 Intriguing…. But, no.
———————————-

Then there are the actual nice guys, who are probably totally great and nice and sweet and are just genuinely looking to make a girl laugh and maybe meet “the one” And there are guys who are polite and know how to just take NO for an answer. They do exist, and just to show that I’m not a man-hater (which I shouldn’t have to prove at all anyway) here are some actual nice guys which are about 55% of my messages received.

🍆😂

Thanks to Chris for not calling me a cunt! This is what a mature adult and father looks like, ladies and gentleman.
This next one only gets half credit because he did message me to see if I’d be his FWB which I clearly state in my profile I am not interested in that… But honesty is appreciated

  I hate February too, and yes, as a matter of fact, my vagina is magic.

I have had many great conversations and met very attractive and intelligent men from the internetz. I kind of almost believe it is a viable way to meet people. But I guess I am a little picky. But I should be, and so should the men… But just be nice, be decent, be human.
And be true to yourself, be honest about what you’re looking for and show them the real you.

like I do:

I own it.

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“Oh, Sweetie…”

“What did they mean by that?” ever find yourself asking this question?

the answer? “Probably not what you think they meant.”

ready?

So here’s the scenario: You’re talking to your mom about your recent online-dating streak and you rant a little about the beard-obsessed dude, and the guy that never texted you back after a charming first date, and if you’re like me and my mom, you tell her about the guy who asked for tit-pics and called you a bitch for ignoring him (more about this another time). After you cynically and sarcastically finish cursing the dating pool, your mom sighs heavily and says something along the lines of: “You know, you’ve always been a handful, that might be why you’re single.”

Ouch. That stings.

But you laugh it off and say something like “yeah, I know, but the right guy will be able to handle me!” (which is true) and then you change the subject or if you’re me, you’d make a joke about your double-Ds being more than a handful, and any guy’d be lucky to have you. But there is that search party for truth gearing up in the back of your mind, nagging, “Why’d she say that? Am I THAT bad? I told the guy I liked his beard, and I didn’t even get drunk or opinionated on that charming first date.”

Sucks, right?

You know those little digs, or “tips” or “oh hunny”s. You’ve heard them, and I bet it hurt worse than when you realized you were never going meet and marry Leo DiCaprio or Tom Brady. We all say them sometimes with out thinking, sometimes they are said out of concern, and meant to be a tip, or helpful hint, but they are oh, so misplaced so I have learned.

So here is another one… if you’ve ever been rejected, this one is going to bring back some terrible memories of college boyfriends and stupid crushes, so if your current mental state has been weakened lately from an endless winter and unrequited OKC likes, you might want to sit this one out….

back in college I started talking again to a guy I used to know and had a crush on in my high school days, we were always friendly and in the same circles, and after high school we just sort of didn’t ever see each other until one day something came along that changed the world forever: AIM and Facebook. So we reconnected through the interwebz and it went on for a few months and one night he had said that he was attracted to me and I was always attracted to him so I then casually told him I had been enjoying our talks and suggested that maybe we should go on a date sometime when I was back in town if he felt the same. He did not respond with “That’s nice of you to ask, but I’m not looking to date right now” or “Sorry if I gave the wrong impression, but I really just like being friends.” Hell, I would have preferred: “I can’t, I have to help my friend move, and then I have to take my dog to the vet, and my mom says I can’t date until I’m 40, also I’m moving to Australia and the time difference might be a problem.” but instead I got this:

“Heather, don’t be one of those girls who thinks too much, guys don’t like that.”

Should he have dated me? No, it’s ok to say you don’t want to date someone and I respect that, and I have even got quite good at it myself. I know now (after getting a better understanding of what college age guys want) that he was never looking for a relationship, only someone to flirt with and talk with and…other-things with. He never meant to hurt me with saying that but he did whether he knew it or not. That little sentence fucked me up worse than the 3 Twisted Teas and shot of Schnapps I used to drown that college-age misery.

Is rejection a part of life? Absolutely, and I can handle that and understand that it is inevitable and you get over it. However, his words made me feel ashamed. I was sure that I must be a crazy person and had done something wrong, that maybe he was right. Was asking someone to go on a date because we enjoyed talking and laughing together “thinking too much”? It made me feel like I was discrediting my gender. It made me feel like I was not worthy of his, or any dude’s attention. It made me feel silly for ever thinking “a guy like him would ever want a girl like me”. fucked up, right? Shit, where’s the schnapps?

I have long since then, ditched the naive, low self-esteem, no-one-will-ever-love-me mindset, and I know now that I’m fucking awesome. I don’t need a guy to tell me what I should change about myself to be more appealing to them. I know now that not everyone is looking for the same things in relationships, sex, life, love, and that is ok, heck, I even celebrate differences like that!

using that revelation to look back at that interaction, He was just disappointed that I wasn’t just DTF and had feelings that he didn’t understand and I misread his “advances” for something more romantic. That is all. nothing more, nothing less. I’m at peace with stuff like that now, and I wish I could go back and slap my hopeless-romantic self out of clouds.

I think sometimes those little sayings, and “tips” are a reflection of someone’s own insecurities and skewed perception of beauty or what is acceptable in society. (or maybe they are just jealous of your dashing good looks.)

Ladies, ever go to Char Russe or H&M and find that perfect dress or body-hugging sweater, or jeans that make you shake-it shake-it in the dressing room? Yeah you do it, don’t lie. Feels good right? Made a decision, looking good, feeling sassy, so you wear it to a family function or to your best friend’s dinner party and they say something prefaced by “oh, hunny/sweetie/guuuurl…” and it usually goes something like this: “Isn’t that kind of tight? what size did you get?… I bet it would look better in the next size up.”  I bet, instead, you heard: “Just because you lost 15 lbs doesn’t mean you’re ready for a swimsuit modeling career, damn bitch, cover yo’ shit up, you’re giving yourself too much credit!”

Damn.

now, now…before you slap a bitch, you have to believe me when I say they were really trying to protect you and make you aware of how people might perceive you based on how they perceive the world.  They assume that, like themselves, you care what other people think. Your mom/sister/friend is saying that they don’t want people thinking you look “fat” or don’t respect yourself or that you have bad fashion sense (god-forbid). They said it to help. They said it hoping that you would consider SOMEONE ELSE’S opinion because that is what society tells us to do. “Be skinny, be tan, do your makeup, buy the newest clothes, dress to impress!”

It took me FOREVER to learn that most people (especially the ones you care about) don’t mean to say things in a way that leaves you mentally crumbled on the floor sobbing and looking around desperately for any remaining shards of your shattered dignity.

Is it hard not to take things personally? So hard. But is it freeing when you finally grasp the concept? 100%, life changing-ly, YES.

What is the best way to change your attitude? think before YOU speak and then see how hard it is to not say something snotty, rude, or downright assuming. We are all guilty. I’m a bitch, (really!). Sometimes its because I’m so caught up in my own feelings I forget others have feeling too.

Here it is:

The next time you feel the need to offer unsolicited fashion advice about what your friend is wearing, don’t. Or try, “Hey, I love that color on you, where’d you get it?” and the next time you want to tell your sister that she is freaking crazy and that she will die alone if she doesn’t knock off half of her 58 point checklist of the perfect husband, (even if you’re probably right, because lets face it, she’s looking for no kids, nice car, own house, good job, 6’2″, funny, smart, AND good looking and we single ladies know that he’s already married.) JUST DON’T. Instead say “It must be so hard for you to wait for the right one to come along… lets drink wine.” Then… you drink all of the wine and drunkenly Tinder.

Then maybe, just maybe, the next time your mom/sister/friend says something that makes you want to wear an over-sized burlap sack for the rest of your miserable existence as to hide any flaws you’ve been made to believe that you have, rewind, find your shake-it-shake-it place, be there, stay there. Maybe you’ll even have the courage someday to say “I like the way I look in these jeans, and sweetie, that is all that really matters to me!”