“Don’t take it so hard…

It’s a joke not a dick!”

Haha funny, yes because I’m a female and I take hard dicks hahaha you’re such a funny guy making jokes about ladies, you’re right, I like being the butt (or in this case the vagina) of jokes.

I’m pretty tired of hearing this. “It’s funny, just laugh” is not the same as “you know you want it, shhh just take it.” But… It definitely starts to make me nervous how similar it is.

For everyone thinking “this sensitive bitch can’t take a fucking joke! What a boring c-word.” Please know I’m funny, I like jokes, I can even laugh at generalized jokes and I can make fun of myself… But when the people I know, who I care about and feel love and respect for, start making jokes that make me feel like a low-class citizen, a sex object, or a non-human convenience to the opposite sex… I find it hard to fake a damn smile.

My apologies for not apologizing.

We are CONSTANTLY bombarded by images of women being sexulized, patronized, disregarded, disrespected, and degraded. Sometimes it’s subtle. Sometimes it’s blatant, sometimes it’s innocent and by accident, most of the times it’s obvious and implied. We are so desensitized to it that we don’t even recognize it anymore. When I point it out I’m the crazy one. But that is media. That’s expected. But what about those people on your FB that you just can’t delete because you knew them from “back in the day” and they were always decent enough to you and they always says happy birthday and their kids pics are super cute, why not be their friend? Because they keep liking and posting those posts… You know the ones.


Is it funny?

Yeah, to men and women who think they are DVD player.

I just roll my eyes, scroll past and try not to judge him. But come on!?

People are liking and commenting on this stuff and women are lol-ing so as to show that they are a”cool” girl…

But then there is me.

I’m thinking to myself: so women are like TVs? We are to sit quietly in the living room just waiting to entertain you with our bodies? Mute button so that I don’t get to talk or discuss anything? I am the maker of food? My boobs should be adjustable? We aren’t allowed to have PMS or clothes on? I’m an object you want to control?

Extreme thoughts? Maybe… But think about it. Jokes are only funny if they make sense within the context and society and others can relate and see the origin. The joke? Men want to control women, Women would be better if we could control them. Amirite!? Where is the joke there? I’m not laughing, because the fact that people are laughing shows that we are all subscribing to the fact that women being degraded is OK, therefore it’s funny.
Happy November! Time of turkey, and thanks and scraggly, wirey, pube-esque beards.

No I’m not a fan. But that’s my opinion. I know a bunch of guys that grow ’em and a ton of gals who love ’em. If you like beards I support you good sir/Madame…But you won’t see any memes from women saying they aren’t shaving their down-unders and guys cheering. You know that there aren’t any memes that women are posting about beards being unattractive or ruining humanity… Nope, because that would make us bitches! Men grow hair on their faces and it’s natural and sexy and we should all embrace it!

Weird, I have hair that grows naturally on my body too, but I don’t get a month where it is celebrated and I’m shamed if I don’t shave? I’m expected to think this is funny?

And then there is stuff like this…


Um? What? I think that this person is confused about what friendship is. I have a lot of friends that I’ve had for a long time that have never asked or needed to see my boobs to prove my friendship.

So because I’m a woman, and you know me, and we are friends, you expect me to let you see and touch my breasts and if I don’t you would tell me I’m not your true friend?  Hilarious! So funny! Good one.

Those examples are definitely sexist, degrading, and objectifying… But then there is this stuff that makes me cringe and touches a very personal nerve:

The picture is of a girl dancing with… Other girls. They are probably out celebrating someone’s achievement or maybe it was a long week and they want to blow off steam. They are in the circle that was barricading out creeps trying to “grind up on” them. No where is it depicting a girl riding a “cock-carousel” but I would like to see said amusement park ride. Points to the first person who can draw/render one.

But seriously! to society a girl who is “in her 30s now” and not married must be a slut who is now used-up, and deteriorating like a weathered OBJECT. There must be a reason why no one has saved her from her sad existence and settled down with her!
There’s no way that reason is because she focused on herself, her family, her friends. Definitely not because she put herself through college, busted her ass at a job to finally get that studio apartment she dreamed of since her womanizing ex told her she was nothing without a man. It’s definitely not because she chose to stay single, travel, pursue her music, and occasionally enjoy safe, consenting, sex with people she dated. It is not related to the fact that now that she’s stable and can provide for herself and has found out how to be happy and love herself she wants to share that love with someone else?

Nope. It’s definitely because she’s a whore, and that’s all she will ever be, and she would be so lucky if a man (unfortunately for him) loved her anyway.

These are the things I see EVERYDAY. I think these things EVERYDAY. And EVERYDAY I scroll past them, roll my eyes, and try to not hate people for what they find to be funny…

But it’s there and I’m here, and I’m not laughing, and I’m not sorry.

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Hey, Sexy!

My friends just left the bar for the next and I hadn’t closed my tab… so I was about 5 minutes behind them, heading out solo. Its cold. Its dark. I pause just outside the door to look at my phone and I can feel the looks and smiles being directed at from the cigarette-smoking guys just outside the club.  It feels kind of flirty but also makes me feel uneasy, I’m not looking for a guy tonight (or ever, really) I start up the sidewalk to the next destination that was just texted to me by my drunk boyfriend-clad friends. I’m away from the loud club in a quiet stretch of darkened windows and closed businesses and… alleys.

“Hey Sexy!” this phrase is shouted at me, and I am suddenly very aware of what I’m wearing. Wondering if it is really me this man is shouting at. I’m feeling naked now in my not-too-short sequined skirt with black tights and ankle boots. My hair is curled. My hands are deep in the pockets of my Pea coat, and I’m looking straight ahead trying not to make eye contact with this group of men standing against the outside wall of a sketchy little downtown drinking establishment.

“Hey SEXY! I’m talking to you!” I pick up my pace a bit and become frightfully aware that this is noticeable by the sound of my heels against the cobblestone. My heart feels like it is now keeping time with my quickened walking pace. I’ve noted now, that I’m afraid.

“SEXY! Why won’t you at least come talk to me? COME ON, SEXY!?” He’s yelling, offended now, and leans out from his wall in disbelief that I’m not acknowledging him. I ignore him with every fiber of my being. His bros are laughing and whistling. I am now walking passed these men and I am nearing the safety zone of a well lit establishment with a bouncer and other people who would hopefully defend me if these guys decided to do anything.

“Whatever, fucking BITCH…Go home and just be a lonely cunt forever!”

That is the last thing I hear before locking eyes with a couple walking towards me, I’m desperate to be engaged with anyone other than those men shouting at me, but they show no interest in my existence. I’m alone, on the street, and I feel like I have been undressed, degraded, and personally singled out and attacked… for being a woman? Wearing a skirt? Walking alone? I feel guilty, and angry, and confused.

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This weekend was the first time that has ever happened to me in IRL. I have had the misfortune of being completely degraded and harassed on dating website message services, but never in person.  I have heard the stories of friends and other people living in bigger more diverse cities, and on other people’s blogs and articles, so I thought I would be intrigued when this finally happened, I thought it would be interesting, maybe I might even like it… I never knew that this is how it would feel to be “cat-called”. This weekend was an interesting learning experience. When it happened, it was not welcomed. It was not a compliment. It was not friendly.  Even now, just typing this, I feel the heat creeping up my neck to my cheeks. I’m so angry that I feel helpless and victimized. In that moment I wanted to turn around and yell something like “Does your mother know you talk to women like that!? Do you ever get girls like that!? Is your dick really that small!?” But I didn’t. I didn’t, because I was afraid, afraid that I would get harassed further, that he and his bros might threaten me or hurt me, or worse… rape me.

I was afraid of being raped.

When I got to the next bar I casually told my friends what had just happened, someone replied “Well that’s what you get for walking alone.” (That’s what I get for… existing?) Later that weekend, someone else I told immediately inquired about what I was wearing. I described my classy winter going-out style and got: “Well, yeah! What did you think would happen!?” (So I shouldn’t wear skirts or exist?) Only ONE of my friends immediately replied with disgust saying, “Wow, what a bunch of douchebags, I’m glad you’re ok, that must have been scary.” (THANK YOU!)

No one wanted to really talk further about this, it was uncomfortable for them, some of them admitting that they actually wished that it would happen to them, because it would be nice to be “noticed.” Some of them (men) didn’t seem to care that this happened at all and just said “Huh, weird.” Yeah, REALLY WEIRD, and by weird, I mean unacceptable, disgusting, degrading, and perverted.

Why are people not appalled by this? Do I really live in a world where a person (woman) can’t walk down the street alone without expecting to be harassed? Do I live in a world where people shame others for being surprised that this happened, and try to make them feel guilty and somehow responsible for their own harassment because they chose to wear a skirt in public? Is it really accepted that being called “sexy” (or mami, baby, big-tits etc) as a “greeting” by strangers is OK and should be welcomed as a compliment? Should I be obligated to stop and talk to every sexually-driven male who calls out to me in the street? Do I deserve to be called a lonely cunt when I don’t reciprocate?

  1. NO. NO.

But no one thinks twice about this usually because “it’s just the way it is.”

Why?

Because we live in a society where women are told their whole lives:

“Dress modestly so you don’t draw unwanted attention.”

“Don’t walk alone at night.”

“Just ignore them, and don’t provoke them.”

“Don’t get raped.”

Men live in a society where they aren’t told to do anything… they hear what women are told and they assume:

“If a woman is showing her legs or shoulders, ‘she is asking for it’.”

“If a girl is walking alone, she is a weak target.”

“A woman knows better than to say anything or fight back to a man.”

“Women are responsible for not getting raped.”

Am I mad at men?

No.

It’s not anyone’s fault. But it is EVERYONE’s problem… and it is a problem which is part of a very large crazy-scarier problem: Women are still oppressed. We are still the “lesser sex”. We are still viewed as objects existing in a Man’s world.

You’re thinking…. “No, that’s bullshit, women get to vote, and work, and wear whatever they want! They get to hold public office, and are allowed to do everything men can do!!  You’re just a crazy whining feminist on her period.” It’s ok, I’m used to that response, no offense taken, you’re not there yet and its ok, you can’t change your mind overnight.

But here is what I have to say: Women shouldn’t have to “get” to do anything or be “allowed” to do anything. We just are, We just do. We are people and no one should be in charge of what we “get” to do.

See? It is subtle, it is ingrained, it is taught and it is perpetuated DAILY and goes unnoticed by people who don’t realize they are oppressing or being oppressed. No need to be defensive, or guilty, or angry that you’re being “called out” because everyone does it. I do it. But does that mean its OK? NO.

Can we all try and see it and fix it and change it? YES.

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An hour after this incident, I decided to walk a few blocks (by myself) to meet my brother at another place. I was feeling confident that this stretch of city was a little safer than the last, so off I went. A block from my destination, I saw a man coming towards me. His stance seemed confident and he was tall and strong-looking, and I began to feel the fight or flight mechanism gearing up. I replayed the earlier events and words in my head and I felt a sudden urge to run across the street so as to avoid him and any possible harassment he may offer. Was this how I was always going to feel from now on when encountering men alone? Should I?

Now only feet away, my heart was racing, I’m feeling afraid and regretting not taking a cab. I look up trying to stare right through him as if he does not exist.

“Ma’am, be careful up that way, it’s really icy…have a good night.” He says, never slowing down, with a polite nod and genuine smile.

“Thank you… you too.”