Just OK?

So I know I’m all about the independent, girl-power, strong, single, woman thing. I do enjoy my pants-free apartment, and not doing my dishes until I feel like it, and coming and going whenever I please…

But I haven’t completely ruled out dating and meeting guys. I do enjoy being in a couple as much as I love being alone.

Don’t get me wrong, he has to be the right kind of person for me because I am not an easy person to love. But I deserve love like everyone else, and I have love to give to someone as well, so I’m still leaving my options open.

Sadly, I don’t get into a lot of situations where I can meet men that are the kind of person I’d like to date (I play music late night at bars, have the same group of friends since 8th grade, work in an all-women office etc.) so I have resorted to “seeing what’s out there” AKA online dating.

There are some real crazies out there! But you knew that. I knew that. But I sure didn’t know how mean people could be.

I have been collecting screenshots of my more memorable messages with men from the dating sites I have frequented over the past few years. Some of them are funny, some of them are presumptuous, some of them are blatantly sexual, some of them are just mean. I’ve learned to just brush it off. I don’t respond to most. I do respond to repeat offenders and I do block people who are very offensive and harassing… But I think some of these are insanely entertaining even though very vulgar and rude. This is not a revenge piece by any means, but more of a candid look into the dating files of a 29 year old woman. Please enjoy.

let’s start with the weirdly humorous:

“Quirky Milfy Joy”  yup.

He made his choice I guess.
  For you!? $1,000,000,000,000 since you asked so nicely!



I’ve got to give this one credit, it was funny. I think my answer was “Russia.”


A boy who likes boobs, you don’t say!?

I appreciate his enthusiasm… Really, I do.



Um…. No?

The obsession with my breasts is a never ending slew of unsolicited comments and scrutiny… It’s really annoying… Sometimes I can’t help but point it out. But, COME ON!?

Can’t even spell fuck out? Where is the effort!? I’m worth the uck

Almost! But then no.

Here are some guys who can’t stand to be rejected or worse, ignored… Watch them go from charming to douchebag in less than 5 seconds:img_7997

I ignored this last jab… But two days later he decided to harass me. Aw naw… I don’t play that game.


Super sweet guy. Too bad I had to block him and report him. He made a new profile and messaged me two months later obviously just sending mass generic messages to any younger women he found remotely attractive… I reminded him of our encounter, he called me a cunt and I reported him again. Sadly, he’s not the only one who has done this.

Like this next dude, for example, he has messaged me three times now. Also a mass-mailer. The last time I said I was not interested and he went off saying I was fat and ugly and that the Brad/Todd liberal college guys will never want me and blah blah blah…Every time he gets younger and every time I ignore him because his profile is so douchy. He rants about hating that girls want to be friends first, and how that’s just lazy. He also rants about how he doesn’t want to hear why girls don’t want to date him, he states “if you’re not interested, no reply is necessary.” Third time is a charm.
Ok… That was a little bit mean, but he asked.

and this

POFusername, 60

Actually I HATE 50 shades btw


Jacked up millionaire asshole? Nah, I like my men a little chubby, smart and sweet with mediocre financial situations…Ok, to be fair, I have deleted POF… But dude didn’t even give me an hour to respond. I was out with friends and actually was going to reply… What is an almost thirty-year-old to do!?


and this

He thinks that ladies are supposed to drop what they are doing to respond to his messages. I’m disrupting the flow of the universe!


and this

I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.


Then there are the fetish types. Don’t get me wrong, we all like what we like and I think that nothing is really weird or shameful if done between two (or 5) consenting adults in the privacy of their own homes… Whatever, do what makes you feel good! I don’t judge. But a first message on a non-fetish dating website isn’t really the place to talk about it. But they do… Oh, they do.


Happy Monday morning to me!


I did not know getting kicked in the nuts was such a fetish… But I have received many messages like this. And no, I won’t kick you in the nuts.

 Intriguing…. But, no.

Then there are the actual nice guys, who are probably totally great and nice and sweet and are just genuinely looking to make a girl laugh and maybe meet “the one” And there are guys who are polite and know how to just take NO for an answer. They do exist, and just to show that I’m not a man-hater (which I shouldn’t have to prove at all anyway) here are some actual nice guys which are about 55% of my messages received.


Thanks to Chris for not calling me a cunt! This is what a mature adult and father looks like, ladies and gentleman.
This next one only gets half credit because he did message me to see if I’d be his FWB which I clearly state in my profile I am not interested in that… But honesty is appreciated

  I hate February too, and yes, as a matter of fact, my vagina is magic.

I have had many great conversations and met very attractive and intelligent men from the internetz. I kind of almost believe it is a viable way to meet people. But I guess I am a little picky. But I should be, and so should the men… But just be nice, be decent, be human.
And be true to yourself, be honest about what you’re looking for and show them the real you.

like I do:

I own it.


Water-Boarding or Free Ponies?

NH has been quite the place to be the last week or so… I’m proud of our state and I have enjoyed the buzz around town. Now that it’s over I’ve been left with a little bit of a political hangover. I’ve had way too much, and now my head is spinning, and I don’t want to see another campaign sign for a long time!

I have some stuff to say for the Trump Lovers, Bernie haters, Hilary supporters, and the people who put Vermin Supreme in fourth place in the democratic running.

Am I a skilled reporter or political science major? Nope.

Am I normal human citizen of America who is allowed to have an opinion? Yup.

Do I think that everyone else is also entitled to their opinion? Yup.

Will I ever agree with you or take your opinions seriously if you use hate, oppression, and sexism as a basis for your arguments? Sure won’t!

That pretty much wipes out the whole Republican Party. With the front runner, Mr. WATERBOARD!!!!, 2nd runner up, Mr. Women-shouldn’t-be-in-the-military, and 5th place, Mr. No-gay-marraige-allowed!

I will give a little (very little and not supportive) nod to Mr. Kasich and Mr. Bush… Only because I found their loser speeches to be very humble, very positive, and lacking any hateful, bigotry. So if I was being water-boarded and had to choose a republican for prez it would be one of them. So there is that, if that is worth anything… And it’s not. Whatever, Republicans.

I’m not ashamed to say that I #feeltheBern.

Is he radical? Is he a little bit out there? Yeah, he is. But only if what you are used to is big banks and rich entities funding campaigns. Only if you think that people age 20-45 should be in $65,000-$125,000 debt for choosing to go to college so they don’t have to work for $8.00 at a local restaurant or retail store. Only if you think that life is precious until it’s born and becomes a child that a mother can’t care for, or a homeless person, or a mentally handicapped person, a disabled person, or any other person who can not feed, clothe, or care for themselves. Only if you believe that proper and life saving healthcare is only for the rich.

Then, yes. Bernie is CRAZY! And I can’t wait to see where the crazy train is headed! All aboard! Choo choo!!!

A shout out to my girl Hillz! She fought hard, and as much as I’d love to see a Madame President… I just can’t get on board. She’s got some sketchy emails that I think will be causing problems soon. She’s got some money coming in from places that aren’t small, local, citizen-based groups and it rubs a lot of people the wrong way. Overall, I think her heart is in the right place. She does seem like helping kids is her life’s work, and I’m all about that life! She’s also had to deal with a lot of shit through the years in her past careers, positions, and marraige. I get it, she’s seasoned. It’s cool. But what wasn’t cool was her attitude that “if you’re a girl and don’t vote for another girl than you’re a bitch.” Ok, that’s not exactly what was said, and it wasn’t even her that said it… But anyway, that’s not how feminism works. Hillz, I support your right to choose, to live as you feel comfortable, and to be free and run for president! But you Hillz, need to also be supportive of women and their right to choose what’s best for them and accept the fact that maybe that choice isn’t you. Good hustle though, still my second choice!

Then there is the candidate that got 256, votes coming in 4th on the Democratic ticket. Mr. Vermin Supreme! With his promise of ponies for all, mandatory teethbrushing, and use of time travel to thwart ISIS, why wouldn’t he get the votes!?

Also, he takes a rad selfie:

 Yes, thats me. Yes that is a boot on his head.

He’s like the crazy guy at the party that everyone loves to laugh with, drunkenly solve world problems with, take selfies with… But you sure as hell aren’t asking him for financial advice or to do the brakes on your car.

It’s an interesting world we live in when we get to decided which one of the above listed humans will get to make executive decisions regarding our health, education, happiness and well-being. Maybe interesting isn’t the word….

Terrifying might be more like it.

So it is with crossed fingers and closed eyes that I whisper under my breath “please not Trump, please not Trump, please not Trump…ANYONE but Trump.”

Because I’d take free ponies over water-boarding any day of the week.

Women!? But What About Men!?

One of the most annoying, ignorant, and selfish comments made by anti-feminists (other than “not all men”) is “You hate men!” or “You don’t care about men’s rights” “We [men] are the reason you even have rights!” or my favorite “You demonize men and completely write off all they have done for you!”

Excuse me… WHAT?

First of all, don’t tell me who I hate or don’t. I love humans… men are humans, so I love men. Some humans are assholes, so some men are assholes. I call ’em like I see ’em. If you are defensive or angry when I identify as a feminist… take a second and search within your human self as to why. Does it scare you that another human wants to be treated like every other human? Did my polite and educated opinion make you question everything you’ve ever known and you don’t dare entertain the thought that maybe, just maybe, you were taught and socialized in a way that oppresses other humans? As a man, are you worried that women might deserve and enjoy the same respect, dignity, and opportunities as you?

No, really, this is a serious question: Why are you so angry?

Oh, is it because someone else wants to share in your power over EVERYTHING? That you might have to stop treating other humans as unimportant objects? That you might have to be held accountable for your actions? That women might start getting recognized for things that you have always taken credit for? That you might have to acknowledge that we are just as smart, strong, and qualified to participate in life, as you?

I know that I am speaking to men in that last paragraph… but women are just as angry too. I know women that say things like “Feminists ruined it for women. Now we have to work and be moms! I liked it better when a man took care of everything! We all have roles, we should have just kept our mouths shut and we wouldn’t be in this mess.”

Hey women who think feminists ruined life for you: NEWSFLASH!

Men can be dads to their kids. Men can stay home. Men can cook. Men can do laundry. You can work. You can have a family. Its not about roles… its about equality. And I’m not sure what feminists had to do with the cost of living going up so women had to help men support their own family. You’re the ones putting that pressure on him to be the “bread winner” and be the “provider.” That stigma is just as much of a problem as men thinking that the woman’s place is in the kitchen.

Everyone belongs in the kitchen! The kitchen has food!

What I try to reiterate to women who think that I’m shaming them for thinking feminism is wrong and immoral or somehow shameful to women or “the way it is supposed to be” is: If you want to be a stay at home mother who cooks and cleans and works hard to keep a nice home for their family, then go for it! I think it is great you found a way of life that fulfills your every need and desire! It is your right to choose what is best for you. But as a woman who has chosen what is best for herself, realize that your lifestyle is not what is best for every woman, and saying that women don’t belong anywhere but in the home, is oppressive.

Someone posted this today… and it made me die inside.


“Waaaaaaah I’m a man, recognize me! Thank me! Give me credit! Talk about me!”

Right, because NOTHING is ever about men. my bad.

The problem I have with this is that men did house women and children, they did feed, protect, and take care of them.

Because women weren’t allowed to do it for themselves.

Men were told by society to “keep your woman in line.” and women were told “keep your man happy!” Men were told they deserved women’s respect and service because they were bred to kill themselves over their country, jobs, and status. Well, that’s because women weren’t allowed to have jobs, women weren’t allowed to go to college or join the military. There were times and places where women weren’t allowed to vote, drive cars, or leave their house with out a man.

essentially this post portrays men like this: “I am the bread winner! I am the only one capable of providing for you! So you can’t fight, or work, or do the heavy lifting because I said so! So sit down, Shut up, and be thankful that I am such a kind person!”

Women were men’s.

Not to say those women didn’t appreciate it. Not to say that women who love their husbands who work hard shouldn’t appreciate them… that’s not what I am saying.

I’m talking about the women who were brought up in a time, in a society, and in homes that taught them that they needed to be pleasing to men, get a man, take care of a man and he will make all your dreams come true! She was never told, you’re smart, you’re funny, you matter, you can go to school, you could be a doctor/lawyer/teacher/accountant, you could travel, you could change the world. No, those things were for men. So why would she ever be anything else accept a wife and mother? You are what you know how to be.

No offense, men, but you know how to be entitled. You are the majority in the house and senate. You are the majority in business and corporations. you are the majority of wealth holders. No one asks you how you balance work and family. No one calls you bossy when you propose plans, no one assess your worth by considering your body/hair/makeup/looks. No one pities you for not being married. You don’t have to fear walking alone at night. You are not told that men are weak, emotionally unstable, too gentle, too dumb, too pretty. No one tells you what to do with your sperm. Men, you are not oppressed.

What I’m saying, men, is that feminism isn’t about you, and the fact that you think that it is not a worthwhile cause because it does not directly benefit you, is the EXACT reason why we need feminism.

And just in case you all forgot, feminism DOES help men. It helps children, and minorities, and the LGBT humans as well.

So, yes, women.

What about men?


I Believe in You

Just a few random things I’ve been holding onto, Happy Friday…

  1. A close guy friend and I had an interesting back-and-forth the other day and I think its worth mentioning because I hear this argument a lot. We were in a group having a drink or two and hanging out and were casually talking about weird stuff that happens to women/men and cat calling came up. He remarked “Damn, I would LOVE IT if a girl tried to hit on me on the street. You should be glad that happens to you!” For the sake of the happy and fun atmosphere we were in, I decided not to get into it… BUT I will now. So males, you think you’d like for a female to approach you on the street and say something flirty and sexy and maybe even a little forward? That’s fine. What if shes not your type, maybe shes really old, maybe shes not very attractive to you, how about now? No? still want the attention? OK try this one on for size because this is how it feels: You’re a confident man comfortable in their environment while walking to your car after a nice dinner with friends in the city. As you come around the corner a large burly man with at least a foot on you is leaning against the building and as you walk by he says “Hey sexy man, sweet ass, I’d wreck that, what? You don’t wanna talk to me? Come on sweet cheeks, give me a chance!” You immediately become very confused because you are not gay, you don’t like men, you don’t want this attention, its very uncomfortable and you might even become angry and want to say something to him for this unwanted advance, but you don’t because he could probably lay you out or maybe he has weapon, or bigger burlier friends.
  2. ALWAYS GOOGLE ONLINE DATING PEOPLE. I almost went on a date with a guy from OKCupid last week… Seemed nice enough, normal, funny, mostly respectful… no kids, his own place, job, car, etc. or so I thought. Found him on google after he told me where he worked so then I found him on Facebook. Turns out he is married, way older than he said, and a father of a beautiful little girl. When I asked him point blank if he had kids he said “negative” (which should have been a red flag in itself). So then I told him I didn’t have time for liars or cheaters and that he had a beautiful family and wished him the best of luck. He tried the “Wait, wait, wait, let me explain…” but I didn’t let him explain, even after he sent me a book about his life and why he’s seeking something else outside of his current life, and that I seemed like I would understand…really? I look like a homewrecker? Cool, thanks, you’re sweet, lets fuck! Seriously? I deleted the app off my phone and have sworn off dating for a while.
  3. Donald Trump is literally the worst. I can’t even imagine a country run by him. Please get out and vote for ANYONE but him. Literally, ANYONE. Please?
  4. A close friend who I also work closely with on a music project, told me today that she was proud of me and the person I have become over the last year. She said that she believes in me. Let me tell you how many feels I have right now: So many, possibly, all of the feels. Someone believes in me. Someone noticed how hard I have been working. Someone cared enough to tell me. Do it today. Tell someone that you care. Tell them you noticed something they have been working hard on. it means more than you know.


The weekend is here and I am so ready.


“Don’t take it so hard…

It’s a joke not a dick!”

Haha funny, yes because I’m a female and I take hard dicks hahaha you’re such a funny guy making jokes about ladies, you’re right, I like being the butt (or in this case the vagina) of jokes.

I’m pretty tired of hearing this. “It’s funny, just laugh” is not the same as “you know you want it, shhh just take it.” But… It definitely starts to make me nervous how similar it is.

For everyone thinking “this sensitive bitch can’t take a fucking joke! What a boring c-word.” Please know I’m funny, I like jokes, I can even laugh at generalized jokes and I can make fun of myself… But when the people I know, who I care about and feel love and respect for, start making jokes that make me feel like a low-class citizen, a sex object, or a non-human convenience to the opposite sex… I find it hard to fake a damn smile.

My apologies for not apologizing.

We are CONSTANTLY bombarded by images of women being sexulized, patronized, disregarded, disrespected, and degraded. Sometimes it’s subtle. Sometimes it’s blatant, sometimes it’s innocent and by accident, most of the times it’s obvious and implied. We are so desensitized to it that we don’t even recognize it anymore. When I point it out I’m the crazy one. But that is media. That’s expected. But what about those people on your FB that you just can’t delete because you knew them from “back in the day” and they were always decent enough to you and they always says happy birthday and their kids pics are super cute, why not be their friend? Because they keep liking and posting those posts… You know the ones.

Is it funny?

Yeah, to men and women who think they are DVD player.

I just roll my eyes, scroll past and try not to judge him. But come on!?

People are liking and commenting on this stuff and women are lol-ing so as to show that they are a”cool” girl…

But then there is me.

I’m thinking to myself: so women are like TVs? We are to sit quietly in the living room just waiting to entertain you with our bodies? Mute button so that I don’t get to talk or discuss anything? I am the maker of food? My boobs should be adjustable? We aren’t allowed to have PMS or clothes on? I’m an object you want to control?

Extreme thoughts? Maybe… But think about it. Jokes are only funny if they make sense within the context and society and others can relate and see the origin. The joke? Men want to control women, Women would be better if we could control them. Amirite!? Where is the joke there? I’m not laughing, because the fact that people are laughing shows that we are all subscribing to the fact that women being degraded is OK, therefore it’s funny.
Happy November! Time of turkey, and thanks and scraggly, wirey, pube-esque beards.

No I’m not a fan. But that’s my opinion. I know a bunch of guys that grow ’em and a ton of gals who love ’em. If you like beards I support you good sir/Madame…But you won’t see any memes from women saying they aren’t shaving their down-unders and guys cheering. You know that there aren’t any memes that women are posting about beards being unattractive or ruining humanity… Nope, because that would make us bitches! Men grow hair on their faces and it’s natural and sexy and we should all embrace it!

Weird, I have hair that grows naturally on my body too, but I don’t get a month where it is celebrated and I’m shamed if I don’t shave? I’m expected to think this is funny?

And then there is stuff like this…

Um? What? I think that this person is confused about what friendship is. I have a lot of friends that I’ve had for a long time that have never asked or needed to see my boobs to prove my friendship.

So because I’m a woman, and you know me, and we are friends, you expect me to let you see and touch my breasts and if I don’t you would tell me I’m not your true friend?  Hilarious! So funny! Good one.

Those examples are definitely sexist, degrading, and objectifying… But then there is this stuff that makes me cringe and touches a very personal nerve:

The picture is of a girl dancing with… Other girls. They are probably out celebrating someone’s achievement or maybe it was a long week and they want to blow off steam. They are in the circle that was barricading out creeps trying to “grind up on” them. No where is it depicting a girl riding a “cock-carousel” but I would like to see said amusement park ride. Points to the first person who can draw/render one.

But seriously! to society a girl who is “in her 30s now” and not married must be a slut who is now used-up, and deteriorating like a weathered OBJECT. There must be a reason why no one has saved her from her sad existence and settled down with her!
There’s no way that reason is because she focused on herself, her family, her friends. Definitely not because she put herself through college, busted her ass at a job to finally get that studio apartment she dreamed of since her womanizing ex told her she was nothing without a man. It’s definitely not because she chose to stay single, travel, pursue her music, and occasionally enjoy safe, consenting, sex with people she dated. It is not related to the fact that now that she’s stable and can provide for herself and has found out how to be happy and love herself she wants to share that love with someone else?

Nope. It’s definitely because she’s a whore, and that’s all she will ever be, and she would be so lucky if a man (unfortunately for him) loved her anyway.

These are the things I see EVERYDAY. I think these things EVERYDAY. And EVERYDAY I scroll past them, roll my eyes, and try to not hate people for what they find to be funny…

But it’s there and I’m here, and I’m not laughing, and I’m not sorry.

Why I’m The Worst.

I know…. its been like… forever since my last post. I’m the worst blah blah blah.

But I have some shit to say, so here:

Something that I keep seeing on the internetz. Picture: Woman/man holding up a white board or notebook paper or cardboard sign with “reasons why I’m a feminist” or “Why I need feminism.” Then they have a written reason.

(then all of the women-hating, feminist-bashing, assholes comment about how they are the worst blah blah blah)

Most of the signs they hold are well written and very true. They really do get you thinking about why. Why do I need feminism?

Lately I have been more open about my feminist views. I have been more apt to point out to others that the way they are talking is making me uncomfortable and is not nice to other people they care about. Needless to say, this has upset people. just a little comment makes people enraged and feel betrayed and angry. example:

I was hanging with a group of friends and they were talking about the comedy show they just went to see. I ignored the “funny for a girl” comment about Amy Schumer (you pick your battles), but they all agreed she was pretty funny… then one of them said “yeah but she has such fat arms” and they all started discussing her physical appearance… and this is the battle I picked.

“that’s rude.” I said simply and they immediately stopped and looked at me like I had told them they were all terrorists.

“Why!? her arms are fat and she isn’t attractive.”

“Why does that have anything to do with her being funny or a good comedian?”

No one answered me. The subject changed. I’m the crazy feminist now.

So I have some reasons I’ve been harboring for a while on why I myself specifically need feminism and why I myself think others benefit from it as well. These are real. these are no lie. So for any of you that can’t wait to jump on the comment section and tell me I’m exaggerating, whining, or that I’m the worst blah blah blah…please remember that you were not there, I’m not attacking you, if you’re feeling offended or guilty about these, maybe realize why, instead of projecting your anger and confusion on me.

Reasons I (and every woman and man) need feminism (other than because I don’t want to make anyone a sandwich who doesn’t deserve my delicious sandwiches…)

I was called a “fat ugly feminist” on FB as a retort to an educated, non-aggressive, comment I made about sexism.

Because my name is not: Holy tits, baby girl, sexy mami, sugar, darlin, hey baby… but men still yell these things at me on the street at night when I’m walking alone in the city I call my home.

Because you just thought to yourself “well you shouldn’t be walking alone at night” instead of “Those people are rude.”

Because when I decide to have sex with someone who I’m not in a relationship with, I’m seen as a slut, a whore, and easy.

Because when I decide I don’t want to have sex with someone, I “friend-zoned” them… because to them being my friend is not a valued relationship, but instead, a penalty.

Because when I have said “NO” to sex offers in the past some responses have been “you owe me” “but I was nice to you” “you know you want it” “I’m entitled to you” “I’ll pay you.”

Because when I tell other women about those responses, they say “well, you do kind of owe him” “well, he did buy you drinks.” “well, did you give him that impression?” “that’s how they are.” “they only want one thing” instead of “but you said NO, that should have been the end of it.”

Because when I preform with my music group of very talented people (both men and women), people come up to us after and tell the guys 100% of the time: “You sounded awesome, love the new songs!” But people tell me 60% of the time: “You looked so good up there! Love your outfit, you’re so pretty.”

Because a guy friend I’ve known my whole life laughed and told me matter of factly: “you’re not a feminist.”

Because I’m expected to laugh at rape jokes, and if I don’t, then I’m “a sensitive bitch with no sense of humor”

Because if you’re scared, weak, or not good enough, people call you a bitch, girl, pussy, and you’re told to Man-Up or get some balls.

Because my breasts, even fully covered, are publicly scrutinized, joked about, referenced, and even touched by friends, family, and strangers. Because they are “huge” I’m told to “put those things away” “jeez, those things are massive” “I see the girls are out to play” “I can’t stop staring” “what size are those things!?”

Because when I say I’m seriously considering a breast reduction because I have back pain guys say “NOOOOOO don’t do it, that would be a tragedy!” not “Oh man, sorry your back hurts.”

Because I was waiting for a cab and two strangers yelled from the outside dining area “hey baby, show us those tits!” and everyone outside the bar laughed and whooped and hollered and when I responded “first, show me your dicks,” and everyone looked away and acted like I was the drunk crazy person.

Because when I talk about how I want to buy a house/condo I don’t hear “oh nice, where are you looking” Instead I get “By yourself? Don’t you want to wait until you have a serious boyfriend?” “who is going to fix things?” “Make sure there’s a room for a nursery!”

Because I know so many creative, sensitive, thoughtful, men who are intelligent, aware, and compassionate human beings, and society tries to tell us that these men aren’t “real” men.

Because I know men who are respectful, and treat me as an equal, and revel in our sex-less friendship and try to understand my point of view even though its hard. They don’t deserve to be dumbed down and told that “boys will be boys” and men “can’t help themselves” and that they are animalistic and sexually hungry by nature.

Because men can be better than that.

Because I have to convince men (and women who are against it) that feminism helps them too. The fact that instead of viewing me as a human being with feelings and needs I am viewed as an enemy to Mankind, and I must try not to offend those who humiliate me and I must tread lightly around those who feel threatened by me asking to not be threatened by them.

Because there are women that wished they were treated as I am… because in their country (and sometimes even in this country) women are beaten, burned, raped, and killed for speaking out or doing what makes them happy, or simply for being a woman. They are treated like livestock, and are sold and used to barter for services.

Because there is a movement dedicated to telling me I don’t need feminism.

This list could be longer. I know this is just the tip of the ice berg in most cases and places, but lately these are the things that have been weighing me down. these are the reasons why “I am the worst” and they are the reason why I don’t care if you think I’m the worst or blah blah blah… I am a human and I will treat you like one if you treat me like one.

What is your Why?

I’m Just Not a Dog Person

Here is the scene:

Two 20-somethings kiss in front of their family and friends in that little church they always dreamed of. They were high school sweet hearts, or maybe they met in college, or maybe at that bar they always went to downtown. Either way, they are now happily married. They live in a fixer-upper house in a quiet neighborhood with their dog. They talk about the future. They want kids. They have hopes and dreams and enough love that could last them a lifetime… or something like that. It’s what we all hope for. A life, a marriage, a purpose… Love.

But what if that is just not something you want? Or what if that is just something you’ve never been able to fathom, understand, or find a burning need for? (I’m talking about the love part, not the dog). Does that make you lonely, outcast, weird, and complicated?

The answer is: I don’t know. (But I’m not a dog person.)

I’m struggling with this right now. (the love part, not the dog part.) So what better way to deal with this, than telling the internet?

Here’s the thing, I’m not some sad sadistic weirdo who hates on love and happiness. Not the case at all. Actually I LOVE weddings, I think it is so beautiful and exciting when two people decide that they want to spend the rest of their VERY long life with only that one person… that’s a big deal. I love the flowers, and the silly traditions, and the waltz of it all. I love the teary look in the bride’s eyes when she says “I do” and the way the groom holds her during their first dance like she is the only one in the room with him. I’m actually a complete sap. I watch romantic movies and I read trashy romance novels and I love cute-sie sitcoms and Taylor Swift songs. The whole 9 lacy, sparkly, happy, yards. I’m in love with the idea of love.

But I don’t believe in love like that. That’s not what it is to me. To be completely honest, I don’t really know what love is, but I know what it is not, and sadly I think that not-love is so much more prevalent than the idealized love.

Did I lose you?

I live by a certain rule. Me comes first. I know this sounds selfish, and in a way it is, but that’s the point.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried the relationship thing many times… I had an amazing clichéd high school sweetheart who I would have done anything for, and we were so happy and blissfully “in love” for 3 years, until he left for college and then he cheated on me and told me it was my own fault for being so far away. Then there was the nonchalant college relationship with a cute guy I worked with, and it was fun and easy, but then life started and we couldn’t figure it out.  Then I had the one who was the perfect match, understood me, always knew what to say, and knew me inside and out, but wanted nothing but my friendship, and it took a while, but I got over that too. Then I settled in… gave up with being picky, as my friends had advised, and went with the first choice at that point, and it was fine, he was nice to me at first, we got along, and were just happy to not be alone that we didn’t really notice that we were not really right for each other, but I thought I loved him. I lived with him, cooked his dinner, did our laundry, and we did things together sometimes, and he always kissed me good morning and good bye before work, even on the day I left. It was comfortable and fine. But comfortable and fine is never what I wanted, and come to find out he didn’t want it either, he only asked me to marry him because that’s what he thought was next… sadly I almost married him before I figured it out (luckily, we didn’t get a dog). We almost married each other because we thought we were supposed to. Isn’t that crazy!?

After that, I thought long and hard about what went wrong. Was it me? Am I what’s wrong? I dwelled on the fact that maybe I’m not loveable, maybe I’m just “too much of a handful.”  I realized not being true to myself was the most painful thing about any of it. Feeling regret for letting someone else take on the burden of making me happy. I regret settling for less than what I wanted. I regretted the time I wasted waiting for things to get better instead of being honest, direct, and taking action for my own needs.

I bounced back easier than I think I should have. I surrounded myself with my amazing friends and family, I lived with roommates for a while, I joined a softball team, I kept busy, I read things that opened my mind, realized I was a feminist, I learned how to self-calm, and talk to myself the way I would if I were someone I loved.  I gave myself room, I did stuff like look in the mirror and say “damn that’s a fine ass!”. I went out, tried new things, got my own apartment, lost weight the right way, bought skirts, started jogging, dyed my hair red, focused on my career, and spent nights alone with my cat and a bottle of wine. I laughed out loud to myself about how far I have come and sometimes I cried about the past, but only for a few minutes, because it felt better to just be happy about the now, but feeling everything was part of being me, and I know that is ok. I wasn’t crazy. I wasn’t wrong. I was on an adventure, and it was so exciting. Finally, I was excited.

I’ve been in love with myself for over a year now and I have to say, it is one of the most fulfilling relationships I’ve ever been in. I do whatever I want to do. I say no to people and things I don’t want, and I’m even learning not to feel guilty for it. I make amazing candle-lit dinners for myself, I go watch the Bruins game at the bar by myself, I don’t give guys my number just because they ask for it, and I let myself be me without feeling shame for my choices or my body. I enjoy being with others, and I know when I need a friend to talk to or a person to lay with me just for a night. I have figured out how to be alone without being lonely. I think this is one of the biggest accomplishments of my life.

But here is where it gets complicated…

I love myself so much that I’m not sure that I will ever want to be with anyone ever again.

This makes the old me, sad and depressed… but I’m so happy? But is this just a state of mind that will pass? Will I get tired of being all I have? I’m having a hard time letting go of this idea that I will get married and live happily forever with someone of the opposite sex. The more I think about it, the sillier it sounds.

“Yeah I have this amazing life of complete autonomy and self-awareness, great friends, my own place, my own routine, my own life, my own freedom to be and do whatever I want… I think I’d like to fuck that up by shackling myself to someone who will always compromise all of that no matter how wonderful they might seem to be!!! Bring on the disappointment!”

Because of this, I don’t know if I’ll ever be someone’s ideal partner. Will I ever be able to give up my own freedom for someone else? Will I ever be kind, selfless, forgiving, or nurturing again? I don’t want to share. I don’t want to be told what to do and I don’t want to let anyone else make me feel unworthy, helpless, broken, or sad, ever again.

I no longer need someone else to make my life full.

So why is it so hard to let go of that picture of kissing the one I will love forever in front of our family and friends, dancing while looking longingly into their eyes because they are the only one in the room with me and eventually watching our kids play in the yard with the dog in the quiet neighborhood we live in. (Just kidding, I’m not a dog person)

I know that is only a picture of what it “should be.” But in my realistic mind I know more often than not, after the glitz and glam of the fairytale wedding and honeymoon… you realize that love was fleeting and now you see that you’re all each of you has, and it just isn’t enough, the marriage fails because there is cheating, and growing apart, and longing for a different life, so you divorce and you fight over who gets the dog (he can have it) and the house, and if you’re lucky you figure this all out before you have kids… then you’re sad and lonely and full of regret, Or worse, you stay together and live like this forever.

Yeah, that’s not pretty, or ideal, or the dream anyone had at all. But that’s the statistic, that’s the reality.

If you have a happy marriage, I envy you. If you think you truly love someone while also loving yourself to the full extent, I want to read your book.

If you can identify with anything you just read, I want to know, so we can be lonely, loveless, people together!

If you are a dog person, we can still be friends, but it seems I still don’t want to marry you (because of the love part, not the dog part.)